lost cause.

I was going to post a lazy blog today. But then I realized that I need to get everything out. Geek told me that I needed to write down everything that was stressing me out. And I know that I do.


Readers, Last Saturday I started struggling with life halting stress headaches/migraines. I thought they would just go away but by Wednesday they hadn't so I went to to the doctor cause my hair started to fall out. He wants me to go on a medication. He also strongly suggested that I go see a counselor/therapist once a week. And he wants me to relax. He said that the stress would eventually kill me if I don't find a way to do something about it. And I didn

What am I going through that is causing me so much stress? Unfortunately a lot of my stress is revolved around money and how I never seem to have any. Which is all my fault.

1)I have to find a new place to live by July 9th. I can't afford a new place to live at all. I am supposed to pay 200 dollars deposit on a new place but I really don't see how living by myself is a good idea right now. Plus I can't afford the 200 dollar deposit plus 395 for first months rent by July 9th.

2)My phone is turned on for now. But unless I pay another 86 dollars by this Saturday... and another 86 dollars by next Saturday. And the Saturday after that. It's going to get turned off again.

3)My car is not registered to me, the title is signed over to me... but I never got a new one. And the plates that are on it expire... this month. As in June. And I might have been driving without insurance for a few months.

4)I missed an entire week of work cause of my sickness/lack of hours.

5)I feel like so many people have such high expectations of me and I feel like I am failing in everyone's eyes. I feel like nothing I do is good enough for anyone. I feel like I am under all the pressure to always be the happy, bubbly good positive person, and I can't handle it anymore. I fall apart sometimes too. I break sometimes too. I am trying to do everything everyone expects me to do.

6)I feel like I am supposed to do it all by myself. I am 22 years old and I am supposed to have my life all figured out. I am not supposed to need support from anyone. I am just supposed to know what to do one my own.

7)I feel like I am not good enough for anyone. I am not a good enough employee. I am not a good enough Christian. I am not a good enough friend. I am not a good enough Godmother. I am not a good enough girlfriend. I feel like I am just not good enough. That I am just not important enough to MEAN something to anyone.

I think thats about it. I could seriously use some prayers and advice and donations(just kididng on that one. sorta) right about now.

I am starting to feel like a lost cause.

To my Anonymous Commenter Friend:

Sorry this post is on a Wednesday and not a Sunday. Sometimes I feel like you are the only one that reads my blog lol. And yes. I do read your comments. At least since I found out I HAD comments. And it blows my mind that even one person even reads my blog. This one started out simply as a way for me to vent... and apparently people read it. And are vaguely interested in what I say.

SO in this time of extreme stress and chaos... I just want to say thank you. I don't know who you are. I don't know how you know me or anything. But your comments are sweet. And sometimes I read them when I just need to smile.

So thanks!
<3 Andrea

PS. Other readers: A full blog post will be posted on Sunday. I promise.

I need a hug...

Well.

This is a post about Geek. For those of you that know who Geek is... well I have a feeling I will have a ton of I told you so's. I don't really know where to start.

I want to get it out there first: That I really really do care about this guy. He is my best friend and the last thing I would ever want to do is hurt him. Ever.

But I don't know what to do anymore. Guys, he kind of doesn't treat me the best. I don't know if it's because we are not right for each other so things just don't work out. Or if it's just that I am wrong. Or maybe it's him. It's probably me. I am so broken. Why would he want to be with me. Why would he want someone that has such emotional issues and baggage?

It's so frustrating. He says that he cares about me. And that it bothers him when I say that no one cares about me... cause he does. But a lot of times I feel like his actions don't match his words. How can he say that he cares about me.... then leaves me in the cold when I need his help? My stuff all flooded and he was too upset with me to bother to give me a hug. Or talk to me. Or help me out. He says its cause he can't be my "everything". He can't be the person I talk to about stuff all the time. He can't be my emotional support. But... isn't that what his "job despcription" is? And since I believe it is... since he is not doing his "job" shouldn't I just fire him? But unfortunately things are not that simple. Cause no matter how much he makes me cry and hurt and alone... He is still the person I like so much. And he isn't my "everything" as much as I would love for him to be. He is my best friend who I am dating. And hope to end up with someday... or so I thought. I don't know how I feel now.


How can somoene who says that they care about me so much... make me feel this way? I seriously want to be with him... but I seriously want someone that wants me there. That is going to give me a hug when I need one. That is going to ask ME to come over sometimes. Who is going to text me back. Who gives me hugs for no reason.

Part of me feels like... we lost it a long time ago. And maybe neither of us wants to admit it. Cause we want this to work so much. We like each other so much we want the relationship to work... but what if it doesn't? What if we were doomed from the start? What if the last fight was fixed from the start?

Am I wasting my time trying? Should I just leave? But the good times are so powerful too. It's not always bad times... There are good times too.


Just right now...

I am so overwhelmed with everything going wrong... And it feels like this is too...

*cries*

when the flood waters rise...

I do realize it is barely still Sunday.
But this has literally been one of the most stressed weekends of my life. Really.

So work has been super stressful lately. And my living situation has been hard too. BUT. It all got worse.


I rent the basement of a house from someone, and have my own bedroom, living room/kitchen and bathroom. Friday morning I woke up to 3-5 INCHES OF WATER. I wish I was kidding. I wish I could tell you- JUST KIDDING! HAHA. Can't believe you fell for that!!!. But I am not. And I can't. I live on the floor. I just enjoy being on the floor. I do my makeup on the floor. I read on the floor. I watch movies on the floor. It's just where I feel comfortable. So my makeup, flat iron, clothes, blankets, some of my books, a lot of my stuff... completely and utterly ruined. My favorite Bible. My mat I sit/workout on. Everything. 


I have washed all my clothes and I still feel like they smell like ground water. My mattress+box spring was just chilling on the floor. Box spring is ruined. 


SO yea... I am trying to be positive about it all. 

If it was just this... you know.. I could probably be ok.




But its not. I got paid on Friday... but I had only worked 18 hours in 2 weeks. I am confused about how I feel about Geek and about church and God and stuff. Don't get me wrong. I love God and Jesus.. and am super grateful for everything they have done for me...and I know that I don't deserve the love they have for me... but apparently that's not enough. 


So. To have everything I own flood...well I don't know anymore. I seriously feel like giving up. How much bad can happen at once?

...you may kiss your bride~

Caution: This post might be super emotional and sad. 


I love weddings. Even outdoor weddings in the heat and humidity. I had the honor of being my best friend's personal attendant in her wedding on Sunday. I pretty much was in charge of whatever she wanted, whatever errands her and her mother asked of me, and taking care of her daughter- who is also my godchild. It was amazing. I am sore today but it was worth it completely. It was a beautiful wedding. My best friend got to marry her best friend... there was friends and family and cake and dancing.

But it kinda makes me sad.  Every time I go to a wedding, I end up crying. Partly cause it's just so darn cute. When they say their vows?! It's so super cute. They are standing up in front of all their friends, family, pastor and God and declaring that they love this person so much, they are going to vow to be with them for the rest of their breathing days. They are going to be with each other through sickness and health. And no matter what happens, they will still love each other. And that first dance... It's pretty much the first minutes they have alone as a married couple. I have always wondered what secret words they say to each other, as they are finally away from hearing ears. Are they whispering about how amazing they look? How happy they are that they are finally promised to each other forever? That "mine" is legally true? Or are they whispering about how they wish this was all over? Or did you see Aunt Jo drop her roll? Le sigh.

Partly because I feel like maybe it won't ever be my turn. That I will never find a man that wants to spend the rest of his life with me. That I won't find a man that I want to spend the rest of my life with. That I am bound to be an crazy cat lady. Cause you know if I end up being an old maid... I am going to be a crazy cat lady.

Ok. I am done being sorry for myself.


Ash-a-ley and Devin. If either of you are reading this: I love you both. Mostly cause I love Ash and she loves Dev so I suppose I should be nice to him :P Congrats on your marriage and I wish you many many happy years together <3 <3 <3

I fell in love today...

My heart slowed to a near stop. I felt my breath leave my body... and I couldn't breathe back in. Everything seemed like it was in slow motion. I could see myself in the future... still in love... It was like nothing I have ever felt before...

These are the feelings I felt when I walked into the apartment that I hope to rent. It is amazing. It's teensy. Like, itty bitty tiny. BUT. It has 18 FOOT CEILINGS. No joke. SO even though it's itsy bitsy, it doesn't feel that way . Which is super nice. I really want this place so much. I know that it would be so good for me to have. It's so small that I will have to live a minimalist lifestyle. Which is necessary sometimes. Especially for someone who is a massive packrat like me. I have enough clothes to clothe an entire homeless camp. And enough stuff to... well I just have a lot of stuff. So getting rid of a lot of it will be great for me. I need to depend less on stuff anyways. I have a bunch of books I am sure some library would love to have. I think I am going to give away/sell most my stuff and books and stuff. I think then I am just going to buy myself a Kindle or a Nook or something so that I will have that instead of a bunch of books lying around that I have read once and will probably read again at some point but not anytime soon. I will probably write down all the books I have. Obviously I am going to keep some of the books that I have. 

Anyways. Prayers would be nice. Work keeps cutting my hours... I applied for unemployment for the hours that they are not giving me... but I need 395x's two by July 9th. I need 200 dollars ASAP to lock in my apt. Of course, I know that if it's God's will it will happen.. I try not to worry but sometimes I can't help it.

In other news. I am going to be rocking a side pony for a while. I think it's adorable and I love it. I happen to not care if everyone thinks its out  of style and weird. I love it and the way it looks. So. If you see me... I will probably have my hair up in such a style. Lol.

Love you all!