Regrets and Stuff

I guess this post is an apology of sorts. Sort of to myself. Sort of to my Father. Sort of to the man that will be my future husband. Sort of to my sisters. Sort of to the people in my life that I feel like I am supposed to be witnessing to... yet failing. This post is going to be my heart right now. Which means this post is going to be a jumble of things that may or may not make sense. I am not even sure where to start. Ok. Maybe I should make a list of things that I want to talk about in this post. First... Well. I messed up. A couple of times the last week or so.  Second... Music. It speaks to me. It goes right to my heart. Which kind of makes me want to talk about what we feed into our hearts and stuff. Third: Ruth. It's what I am reading about this summer. But... although it really is helping me... it's hard. I shall get into that later. Dumb heart. Fourth.. I am not going to do Mission to the City. COMPLETELY RANDOM BUT NOT REALLY I GET SO EASILY DISTRACTED >.< that is all. 


FIRST: Ugh. Might as well get my mistakes out of the way right? 
So. I have had some struggles with what my heart wants right now. I want to follow God and give him my all. But I am having some trouble letting go of some of my things that I did when I was part of the world. Like my drinking. I always think... oh I can have just one drink. I can go and not drink. FAIL! I can't. I had a few drinks with a friend the other night. And I couldn't help but think about how unsatisfying the alcohol was. Also. I feel like I am afraid to be who I want to be? Does that make sense? I feel like when I am at work I have to be a certain person. I don't know its hard to explain. Like when they ask me out to drink.. Like I am supposed to say yes. Like its ok if I am a "churchy" girl as long as they know I still have "fun". AND I HATE IT. I hate that I don't have the courage to follow Christ all the way. I hate it... and I am always praying for God to forgive me cause I hate that I shut Him away and won't let him shine in me all the time. I don't even know if I am making any sense. fhasdjhfaljdhfliuawhfbzsdhlfhalrsgf

Second: MUSIC. I love music. I love everything about it. I hate it at the same time.
Ok. Now let me explain. I love music I almost always have music playing. Whether its in the background or its in my ears... like in headphones. I listen to quite the variety of different kinds of music. Secular. Christian. And when I listen to music... it really changes my mood. It helps me feel better when I am sad... It intensifies my sadness. It reminds me how much my Creator is in love with me. And part of that... well it reminds me how much what I listen to and what I watch and who I hang out with affects how I think and feel. Which both amazes me and scares me at the same time.

Third: I am going through a study of RUTH this summer. 
I am using the book "Lady in Waiting" as a basis for my study. It's pretty much a book about how to be single. How to enjoy your singleness and be God;s best while single. It's about how to base your life after Ruth's. To become a Lady of Reckless Abandonment, Diligence, Faith, Virtue, Devotion, Purity, Security, Contentment, Conviction and Patience. And it is an amazing study. I love it. But it's hard for me and my heart sometimes. I wonder if I am going through all this to be a better person or to marry a great person. Will I ever  marry a good, Godly man? Do I deserve to marry a good, Godly man? It's so easy for me to convince myself that I can just settle cause I am not good enough. Which I know is not true. I am fearfully and wonderfully made despite what I try to tell myself sometimes. People have been coming up to me and telling me how encouraged by me they are and all I can think is... WHAT? WHY? I have messed up so much. Don't look at me for encouragement. I will just lead you astray. And then I realize that I am not supposed to "lead" them. I am supposed to show them Jesus and have him. So much easier said than done though.

Fourth: Mission to the City. 
I decided not to do it this year. Part of it is me not thinking that I am good enough. I am so messed up... what in the world makes me think I should be witnessing to people. Which may not be the case. I feel so broken though... So how am I supposed to help people become whole? How am I supposed to help people figure out things when I am so confused on my own? I feel like maybe I should focus on my own relationship with Christ first before I try to bring others in? Maybe? Not to mention I just paid over 100 bucks to fix the AC in my car so I am completely broke. Like totally.


I think thats about everything.. Maybe. It is me though so as soon as I post this I am probably going to come up with something else that I could have said. Or something.