Well.
This is a post about Geek. For those of you that know who Geek is... well I have a feeling I will have a ton of I told you so's. I don't really know where to start.
I want to get it out there first: That I really really do care about this guy. He is my best friend and the last thing I would ever want to do is hurt him. Ever.
But I don't know what to do anymore. Guys, he kind of doesn't treat me the best. I don't know if it's because we are not right for each other so things just don't work out. Or if it's just that I am wrong. Or maybe it's him. It's probably me. I am so broken. Why would he want to be with me. Why would he want someone that has such emotional issues and baggage?
It's so frustrating. He says that he cares about me. And that it bothers him when I say that no one cares about me... cause he does. But a lot of times I feel like his actions don't match his words. How can he say that he cares about me.... then leaves me in the cold when I need his help? My stuff all flooded and he was too upset with me to bother to give me a hug. Or talk to me. Or help me out. He says its cause he can't be my "everything". He can't be the person I talk to about stuff all the time. He can't be my emotional support. But... isn't that what his "job despcription" is? And since I believe it is... since he is not doing his "job" shouldn't I just fire him? But unfortunately things are not that simple. Cause no matter how much he makes me cry and hurt and alone... He is still the person I like so much. And he isn't my "everything" as much as I would love for him to be. He is my best friend who I am dating. And hope to end up with someday... or so I thought. I don't know how I feel now.
How can somoene who says that they care about me so much... make me feel this way? I seriously want to be with him... but I seriously want someone that wants me there. That is going to give me a hug when I need one. That is going to ask ME to come over sometimes. Who is going to text me back. Who gives me hugs for no reason.
Part of me feels like... we lost it a long time ago. And maybe neither of us wants to admit it. Cause we want this to work so much. We like each other so much we want the relationship to work... but what if it doesn't? What if we were doomed from the start? What if the last fight was fixed from the start?
Am I wasting my time trying? Should I just leave? But the good times are so powerful too. It's not always bad times... There are good times too.
Just right now...
I am so overwhelmed with everything going wrong... And it feels like this is too...
*cries*
About Me
- bananandrea
- Des Moines, Iowa, United States
- I am a young kind of crazy girl with crazy thoughts that run through my brain. I work out. A lot. I eat Paleo. As much as possible. I don't make any sense most the time :P I try to inspire people.
4 comments:
hmm, i know what you are saying... but i will comment later tonight, cause id like to share my feelings with you on the subject. man that is tuff, just hang in there baby.
why do you deal with this? you are an amazing girl. you deserve so much more than this. you have enchanting eyes. you have a positive spirit. you are determined and beautiful. you are independent. you make people around you happy. if he doesnt appreciate that then he is a douche bag and doesnt deserve you at all. maybe you should be with someone that knows how amazing you are instead of someoen that doesnt care about you or talks to you. he seems like a completly worthless piece of crap that doesnt deserve to tie your shoes. who does he think he is. why is he in a relationship if he doesnt want to be. if he is only going to treat you like shit that he actually is. why waste your time babe. you need a real man. move on.
wow, who are you other anonymous commenter? I am the only anonymous commenter 'round here, tell you what! I demand satisfaction, I challenge you to a duel! Lol, seriously I crack myself up.
anyway, i understand how you feel darling. first of all, you are confused as to if he is the "real one" or not. you want to convince yourself he is the one. are you sure your right when you try to trick your mind like that? i mean are you sure? cause when you force your mind to think that thought for such a long time you'll actually start to believe it. Please, stop your brain now, stop thinking for one second of your life. Now, as objectively as you can take a look at your relationship, how is it going? Are you happy? It's hard to change someone, to mold them you see. Are you happy? I know its hard because you want your mind to say yes, but tell your mind to shut the fuck up for a fucking minute, are you really fucking happy with your relationship? And your answer is not "Well, its complicated," your answer should be "YES" or "NO".
Continuation, i understand you are afraid of the unknown. Hey, You, Listen,,, I Understand, I've been there and you tell me if I hit the nail on the head. Your scared of the unknown am i right? your asking yourself "what will life be like without Geek in it?" Well, that question is in the back of your mind... the real question at the front of your mind is, "can i live without Geek in my life?"
let me tell you, when you finally tell your mind that you know whats better for you than it does, and you say "hey mind, im not gonna let you run my life anymore, im taking over control cause i know what is best for me", you can live without him... i know it is hard to comprehend that there is life without geek, but im telling you that i climbed that wall. i was probably more hung up on the person i loved than you and geek to tell you the truth. but i climbed that wall, and im on the other side saying "hey, come on over, i know its a tough climb and it will be a struggle, but its worth it, its nice over here, come on you need to be on this side"
I'll tell you one thing that is for sure. When you for once in your damn life are brutally honest about yourself and geek. and you finally say to youself "hey you know what banandrea you need to move on, this is not healthy for you, this relationship is not ever going to be where i want to be or where i want it to go" your on your path to a better, stronger you. You need to get your mind ready, and be open to the journey ahead knowing it is going to be a long road full of personal growth, and you need to embrace the changes that will overcome you. Embrace the future, don't be scared banandrea, please dont be scared. the biggest key for me when i knew i had to breakup with the love of my life was embracing the unknown change that was in my future. This is what i told myself "Anonymous, you are going to go through some pretty radical changes in the next 12 months to possibly 2 years, and i don't know whats in store for me i really don't know what my life is now going to be like, but it was meant to be and im ready to move on, i will get through it." I embraced the unknown as much as i possibly could. It was this mindset i took to cope and get myself to trek on down that unexpected path.
Continuation, the sooner you decide your done the easier it will be to move on, and i know it seems impossible now, but imagine you could drag this relationship on for another year or two before it finally falls in destruction, imagine how hard it will be then to pack up camp.
Ms. Banandrea you are one of the most amazing girls i have ever met, i hate to see you like this, but i know the grass is greener on the otherside hun. i wish you will decide to open your eyes and see for youself instead of keeping them closed refusing to believe the other side is greener. Your mind is tricking you that you found the greenest grass in the world, im telling you i found greener grass, do you believe me?
i don't even know if you read these comments, but i care about you. i care enough to pour my heart into this comment you may never fucking read because it breaks my heart to see you struggle. It makes my just ache in pain for you, im serious banandrea literally ACHE IN PAIN. I hate to see you struggle, you struggle so much darling, i just want you to be happy.
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