I was going to post a lazy blog today. But then I realized that I need to get everything out. Geek told me that I needed to write down everything that was stressing me out. And I know that I do.
Readers, Last Saturday I started struggling with life halting stress headaches/migraines. I thought they would just go away but by Wednesday they hadn't so I went to to the doctor cause my hair started to fall out. He wants me to go on a medication. He also strongly suggested that I go see a counselor/therapist once a week. And he wants me to relax. He said that the stress would eventually kill me if I don't find a way to do something about it. And I didn
What am I going through that is causing me so much stress? Unfortunately a lot of my stress is revolved around money and how I never seem to have any. Which is all my fault.
1)I have to find a new place to live by July 9th. I can't afford a new place to live at all. I am supposed to pay 200 dollars deposit on a new place but I really don't see how living by myself is a good idea right now. Plus I can't afford the 200 dollar deposit plus 395 for first months rent by July 9th.
2)My phone is turned on for now. But unless I pay another 86 dollars by this Saturday... and another 86 dollars by next Saturday. And the Saturday after that. It's going to get turned off again.
3)My car is not registered to me, the title is signed over to me... but I never got a new one. And the plates that are on it expire... this month. As in June. And I might have been driving without insurance for a few months.
4)I missed an entire week of work cause of my sickness/lack of hours.
5)I feel like so many people have such high expectations of me and I feel like I am failing in everyone's eyes. I feel like nothing I do is good enough for anyone. I feel like I am under all the pressure to always be the happy, bubbly good positive person, and I can't handle it anymore. I fall apart sometimes too. I break sometimes too. I am trying to do everything everyone expects me to do.
6)I feel like I am supposed to do it all by myself. I am 22 years old and I am supposed to have my life all figured out. I am not supposed to need support from anyone. I am just supposed to know what to do one my own.
7)I feel like I am not good enough for anyone. I am not a good enough employee. I am not a good enough Christian. I am not a good enough friend. I am not a good enough Godmother. I am not a good enough girlfriend. I feel like I am just not good enough. That I am just not important enough to MEAN something to anyone.
I think thats about it. I could seriously use some prayers and advice and donations(just kididng on that one. sorta) right about now.
I am starting to feel like a lost cause.
About Me
- bananandrea
- Des Moines, Iowa, United States
- I am a young kind of crazy girl with crazy thoughts that run through my brain. I work out. A lot. I eat Paleo. As much as possible. I don't make any sense most the time :P I try to inspire people.
3 comments:
whao, you post early! *sigh* I hope you figure it all out soon banandrea. You know I was older than you when I figured out what I wanted to do with my life and even then I wasn't sure if it was the right decision. It's starting to turn out that I think it is the right decision, so I'm lucky I reckon. Well, actually I was your age when I made my life changing decision for a new career. But I know other people who made that decision at a later age than 22.
My point in mentioning this, is not to talk about myself, but to show you that just because you are 22 doesn't mean you're supposed to have everything figured out. I mean, when I was 22 I decided to change my career and hoped that I made the right choice, if it didn't work out, I would have to change again until it did. So try not to stress about "supposedly you should have everything figured out", cause millions of people are in that same boat, it's normal. I know its hard, but its normal. Heck, I know someone that met their future husband when she was 25. She married when she was 29 or 30. She is now 31 and has just decided to start a family at the end of this summer. Don't worry banandrea, there is plenty of time. But I share what your feelings in the departments of "what should i do with my life", and "am i ever going to find the right person".
Money, money, money. Funny that men look at money completely different than women do. But you know that gift I was going to send you? And still have if you want it. It is a back to basics money management system. You know it seems there are a lot of different systems to manage money, and you know you should stick to a budget but a lot of people never do. Maybe you need a refresher. I hope you get it under control banandrea. Funny, cause I know everything will be ok with you. It always is, at least from outwards appearances you always seem to make it. It's like you just always seem to run out of grease exactly when you finished on the last squeaky wheel.
(Several lines edited out) Continuation --->But only you are in control of you, and no one is going to do it for you (not till your married, lol) and I know this has been a persistent problem in your life, I think you should confront it once and for all. Put yourself in a financially free situation, you always seem to have the magic to push on through great adversity. I know you can do it.
As I just skimmed over your post again, you know it seems like every area that you complained/are concerned about revolves around you not having the money you need to get by. I mean, sections 1,2,3,4 is direct stress because of money issues. And what you may not realize is that 5,6, and 7 are also most likely tied to the money problems. Although I am struggling to become debt and financially free myself, I believe the words of others who have reached financial freedom that "being financially free helps you live a much more fulfilling life". I guess it probably sounds like I'm beating a dead horse, but I think you hit the nail on the head when you said most of your problems stem from money. I just want to see you on the right track in that department cause I know you've been derailed for so long. And maybe someone stating the obvious is something you need to hear.
Strange huh? you knew all this before I typed it, but your nodding your head recognizing it is something you need to do, even though it is so obvious or "basic" it feels good for someone to state the obvious. But just because it is obvious does not mean that it is easy to do. A person who starts smoking, knows that someday they will need to quit (or die) that is obvious, buts its hard to quit, they need to make a good effort, a great effort. You may have told yourself several times that it is obvious you need to live on a budget, but in the end failed to do so. You need to start making a better effort, and you know that, I'm just stating the obvious.
Idk, banandrea, i just... it just breaks my heart to continually see you struggle, your not letting me down, your not, so don't let that depress you even more... your letting yourself down. I feel your pain, I really do. If I didn't have financial help from others in my life I would be fucked right now, and I've been fucked. Unfortunately, you don't have the luxury of others helping you, you have to do it on your own. And I know you have enough gas left in the tank to take care of business. I believe in you! You know I do, and you know you can do it. Remember, there is always a thunderstorm before there is a rainbow.
(P.S. at the end of the rainbow there is a pot of gold, please share it with me when you get there :)
damn, i need to stop leaving such long comments
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