Who I Am Hates Who I've Been

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CWpY6Vr4Si0

Ok, so this year I have a lot of things that I want to accomplish. A lot of things that I want to do. And I had these goals before New Years really started.. But today I guess I just realized how important those goals are. They are not just goals now. They are life changes that I needed to make at least a year ago and I never did. I just waited and waited and waited. I kept making excuses about why I had to wait. Or why I could wait. It wasn't till today that I really really realized that these things are way past overdue. 


And what's really sad is that the hints have been dropped. Geek has been subtly trying to help me, I just didn't pick up on it. I am not very observant. But I think now he is just tired. I think he is tired for me. I have finally gotten to the point that (like I said in a previous post) I feel like everyone is leaving me in the dust and moving forward. I think he just cares about me so much and he hates that I don't TRY hard enough. He hates that I never have money cause he knows that I hate it, but he hates even more that I don't really do that much about it. He hates that I keep switching jobs cause he knows that I just want a job I can stick with for a long time, but he hates even more that I don't work as hard as I could at my job when I do have it. Sure some of my jobs really didn't have a hundred percent to do with me but I would be lying if I said I tried my hardest. I didn't. I milked my mono. I don't have good sleeping habits or time management so I never wanted to wake up in the morning. I still don't but that is something that I am working on.


Things take time though. Which I am afraid that I ran out of with Geek. I am afraid that all I can do is prove to him that I can make my life better. That I can improve things. That I can change the things in my life that need changing... I just hope he will let me be his girlfriend still as I change... I could use his help and support. His hugs are magic. They make the stress of the world melt away. I hope that he knows that I love him. And I appreciate him waking me up a little. I just hope he chooses the path with me in his Choose Your Adventure book. That he gives me a chance to still be with him as I prove to myself, to him, to the world that I can be a better person. 


Before you give me the "Don't change for anyone" speech, know this: I am doing this for me. No one wants my life to be better more than me. I want my life to be better. I want to be healthier. I want to be more organized. I want to keep a job. I want these things. He just loves me enough he wants me to do those things too.


Who I Am Hates Who I've Been.
I watched the proverbial sunrise
Coming up over the Pacific and
You might think I'm losing my mind,
But I will shy away from the specifics...


'cause I don't want you to know where I am
'cause then you'll see my heart
In the saddest state it's ever been.

This is no place to try and live my life.

[Pre-Chorus]
Stop right there. That's exactly where I lost it.
See that line. Well I never should have crossed it.
Stop right there. Well I never should have said
That it's the very moment that
I wish that I could take back.

[Chorus]
I'm sorry for the person I became.
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
'cause who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been.

I talk to absolutely no one.
Couldn't keep to myself enough.
And the things bottled inside have finally begun
To create so much pressure that I'll soon blow up.

I heard the reverberating footsteps
Synching up to the beating of my heart,
And I was positive that unless I got myself together,
I would watch me fall apart.

And I can't let that happen again
'cause then you'll see my heart
In the saddest state it's ever been.

This is no place to try and live my life.

[Pre-Chorus x2]
[Chorus]

Who I am hates who I've been
And who I am will take the second chance you gave me.
Who I am hates who I've been
'cause who I've been only ever made me...

So sorry for the person I became.
So sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
'cause who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been.


I completely feel like this is the song of my life right now.


Till Tomorrow.