Remember when...

I had a blog that I updated regularly? Yea me neither.

Lol.

Going to attempt to post more.

I hope.

Life has been SO crazy.

Update more later.

I promise.

Grief

I know that it has been a long time since I have actually posted. But I need to let something out.


Something happened ot me on Monday and I feel like my whole world tilted wrong. Like all of the sudden if I made one wrong move I was going to topple off. I can't tell you what it is to protect the privacy of the people involved.. but lets just say that I am sad. I feel alone. I feel guilty. I know there was nothing I could have done... I am sorry for being so cryptic but it's the way it has to be.

It made me think about emotions really. How so often I lie to myself about how I feel and stuff. And how am I supposed to write in this blog about how I feel if I don't even let people know the truth about how I feel? How am I supposed to expect peopel to help me if they don't know what I am feeling?

Whoops.

Ah.

Hello Readers. Have you forgotten about me? Have you been wondering if I had forgotten about you? Well I haven't. I have just been very busy. And stressed. But mostly happy. I would like to say.

I got promoted at work. I am now a business coordinator. I don't telemarket anymore. I send out contracts and do the data entry side of things now. It's a temporary position and I pray to God that I get to keep it. I love it so much. I mean... if I had to do the phone calls again I would deal with it. But I really like what I am doing now. I enjoy it so much. It is more work but less stress if that makes any sense. So pray that I get to keep doing this.


I have been having some car trouble which leads to some financial struggling. Ok so a lot. Not to mention, I put my rent money on the table and now its GONE. And the lady I am staying with super needs that moeny but I don't have the money to just re give it to her...:"(

I am still going to my church. I still love them.

Well.. I don't have too much really to say. It's been a lot of the same ol' same ol' lately :P

I don't want this weekend to eeeeeeeeeeeeeeend!

The title for those that don't know is from Rebecca Black's Friday song. Which is probably one of the worst written songs ever. Second maybe only to ANYTHING written by the Black Eyed Peas. But. Unfortunately it is one of the most catchy- gets stuck in your head tunes I have ever heard in my life. Ugh. There are some Fridays I literally wake up to this song in my head lol.

Anyways. It is indeed not Friday but Saturday and I hope everyone had an amazing 4th of July weekend. I ended up having quite a bit of fun. This last week was insanity at work. Yay for volunteering for overtime. But when I came in on Tuesday I got awarded a top performer award for the month of June! Yay me! I am proud of myself. And excited. I also got card for reaching 100% client goal for the month! AND I won a chance to work overtime. I am glad. I need the hours. I love working overtime cause I get paid more. However I hate overtime cause I feel like I never have energy or time to do anything and I miss my church peeps. I miss my Ash-a-ley and my godchild. I missed her 1st birthday and her present is still in my possesion and its been almost a month now. Ugh.

Tomorrow I am headed to Adventureland with Geek who is trying to get out of the doghouse and earn my trust again... Last year he stood me up for Adventureland so this I guess is a way he can make it up to me. He took me out to dinner Friday night and that was really nice. I wore a little black dress and we made a super cute date night out of it. As much as I used to give him a hard time about not going out much though... I still think I like evenings like what we are currently enjoying better. He is watching Futurama on his computer and I am typing this up and listening to a trance mix off of YouTube. We are "hanging out" but not really doing anything. Sometimes though... just knowing that someone is around is nice. We are not dating but he is still my best friend. And the person I enjoying hanging out with the most.

People have been asking me lately if he is the person that I see myself marrying... and sometimes I feel the answer is yes. I could see myself marrying him in a red and white wedding dress in October with a bouquet of roses and crystals. But at the same time... I can imagine a life without him. I could see so many ways how this won't work. Part of me really really wants it to though. Despite the parts of me that tell me I should just let it go... I can't. He is the first person I have ever loved and given my heart to. I feel like I belong with him...And then I remember how much he has hurt me. How am I supposed to believe his promises? So many times he has given me empty promises. How can I know that he means it when he says "I promise"? You know?

Anyways. I am PUMPED about tomorrow anyways.

<3
Andrea




Apparently Rebecca Black's label or whatever removed her official video so here is Glee's remake of it. Which is actually decent lol.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=doCOTTDKIWQ&feature=related

Early this time!

I happen to KNOW that I will not be able to post on Sunday cause it is going to be such a crazy weekend... but instead of posting late like I would normally.... I decided to post early. 

I wish I had good news to tell you but I don't.

Geek and I are no longer dating. Something came up and I just think for right now being friends is the best thing. We are still going to talk and stuff. But I just think we need to figure out what is important and focus on ourselves maybe.

Work is going good though. We are training for something new next week so that will be interesting.

I still have no money and I still have no place to live come the 9th. I have no idea what to do with that.

Umm. WHO IS EXCITED FOR FIREWORKS?! MEEEEEEEEE! I love fireworks. I am going to see some tonight. And some Sunday night.. probably. And I MIGHT be shooting some with my Bible Study Monday. Then it's back to work. Lol.

OMG. I can not believe it is soooo close to my birthday. And that I am turning 23. No thanks.

SO! You all have a fun and safe 4th!!! Happy Fourth of July ya'll!

lost cause.

I was going to post a lazy blog today. But then I realized that I need to get everything out. Geek told me that I needed to write down everything that was stressing me out. And I know that I do.


Readers, Last Saturday I started struggling with life halting stress headaches/migraines. I thought they would just go away but by Wednesday they hadn't so I went to to the doctor cause my hair started to fall out. He wants me to go on a medication. He also strongly suggested that I go see a counselor/therapist once a week. And he wants me to relax. He said that the stress would eventually kill me if I don't find a way to do something about it. And I didn

What am I going through that is causing me so much stress? Unfortunately a lot of my stress is revolved around money and how I never seem to have any. Which is all my fault.

1)I have to find a new place to live by July 9th. I can't afford a new place to live at all. I am supposed to pay 200 dollars deposit on a new place but I really don't see how living by myself is a good idea right now. Plus I can't afford the 200 dollar deposit plus 395 for first months rent by July 9th.

2)My phone is turned on for now. But unless I pay another 86 dollars by this Saturday... and another 86 dollars by next Saturday. And the Saturday after that. It's going to get turned off again.

3)My car is not registered to me, the title is signed over to me... but I never got a new one. And the plates that are on it expire... this month. As in June. And I might have been driving without insurance for a few months.

4)I missed an entire week of work cause of my sickness/lack of hours.

5)I feel like so many people have such high expectations of me and I feel like I am failing in everyone's eyes. I feel like nothing I do is good enough for anyone. I feel like I am under all the pressure to always be the happy, bubbly good positive person, and I can't handle it anymore. I fall apart sometimes too. I break sometimes too. I am trying to do everything everyone expects me to do.

6)I feel like I am supposed to do it all by myself. I am 22 years old and I am supposed to have my life all figured out. I am not supposed to need support from anyone. I am just supposed to know what to do one my own.

7)I feel like I am not good enough for anyone. I am not a good enough employee. I am not a good enough Christian. I am not a good enough friend. I am not a good enough Godmother. I am not a good enough girlfriend. I feel like I am just not good enough. That I am just not important enough to MEAN something to anyone.

I think thats about it. I could seriously use some prayers and advice and donations(just kididng on that one. sorta) right about now.

I am starting to feel like a lost cause.

To my Anonymous Commenter Friend:

Sorry this post is on a Wednesday and not a Sunday. Sometimes I feel like you are the only one that reads my blog lol. And yes. I do read your comments. At least since I found out I HAD comments. And it blows my mind that even one person even reads my blog. This one started out simply as a way for me to vent... and apparently people read it. And are vaguely interested in what I say.

SO in this time of extreme stress and chaos... I just want to say thank you. I don't know who you are. I don't know how you know me or anything. But your comments are sweet. And sometimes I read them when I just need to smile.

So thanks!
<3 Andrea

PS. Other readers: A full blog post will be posted on Sunday. I promise.

I need a hug...

Well.

This is a post about Geek. For those of you that know who Geek is... well I have a feeling I will have a ton of I told you so's. I don't really know where to start.

I want to get it out there first: That I really really do care about this guy. He is my best friend and the last thing I would ever want to do is hurt him. Ever.

But I don't know what to do anymore. Guys, he kind of doesn't treat me the best. I don't know if it's because we are not right for each other so things just don't work out. Or if it's just that I am wrong. Or maybe it's him. It's probably me. I am so broken. Why would he want to be with me. Why would he want someone that has such emotional issues and baggage?

It's so frustrating. He says that he cares about me. And that it bothers him when I say that no one cares about me... cause he does. But a lot of times I feel like his actions don't match his words. How can he say that he cares about me.... then leaves me in the cold when I need his help? My stuff all flooded and he was too upset with me to bother to give me a hug. Or talk to me. Or help me out. He says its cause he can't be my "everything". He can't be the person I talk to about stuff all the time. He can't be my emotional support. But... isn't that what his "job despcription" is? And since I believe it is... since he is not doing his "job" shouldn't I just fire him? But unfortunately things are not that simple. Cause no matter how much he makes me cry and hurt and alone... He is still the person I like so much. And he isn't my "everything" as much as I would love for him to be. He is my best friend who I am dating. And hope to end up with someday... or so I thought. I don't know how I feel now.


How can somoene who says that they care about me so much... make me feel this way? I seriously want to be with him... but I seriously want someone that wants me there. That is going to give me a hug when I need one. That is going to ask ME to come over sometimes. Who is going to text me back. Who gives me hugs for no reason.

Part of me feels like... we lost it a long time ago. And maybe neither of us wants to admit it. Cause we want this to work so much. We like each other so much we want the relationship to work... but what if it doesn't? What if we were doomed from the start? What if the last fight was fixed from the start?

Am I wasting my time trying? Should I just leave? But the good times are so powerful too. It's not always bad times... There are good times too.


Just right now...

I am so overwhelmed with everything going wrong... And it feels like this is too...

*cries*

when the flood waters rise...

I do realize it is barely still Sunday.
But this has literally been one of the most stressed weekends of my life. Really.

So work has been super stressful lately. And my living situation has been hard too. BUT. It all got worse.


I rent the basement of a house from someone, and have my own bedroom, living room/kitchen and bathroom. Friday morning I woke up to 3-5 INCHES OF WATER. I wish I was kidding. I wish I could tell you- JUST KIDDING! HAHA. Can't believe you fell for that!!!. But I am not. And I can't. I live on the floor. I just enjoy being on the floor. I do my makeup on the floor. I read on the floor. I watch movies on the floor. It's just where I feel comfortable. So my makeup, flat iron, clothes, blankets, some of my books, a lot of my stuff... completely and utterly ruined. My favorite Bible. My mat I sit/workout on. Everything. 


I have washed all my clothes and I still feel like they smell like ground water. My mattress+box spring was just chilling on the floor. Box spring is ruined. 


SO yea... I am trying to be positive about it all. 

If it was just this... you know.. I could probably be ok.




But its not. I got paid on Friday... but I had only worked 18 hours in 2 weeks. I am confused about how I feel about Geek and about church and God and stuff. Don't get me wrong. I love God and Jesus.. and am super grateful for everything they have done for me...and I know that I don't deserve the love they have for me... but apparently that's not enough. 


So. To have everything I own flood...well I don't know anymore. I seriously feel like giving up. How much bad can happen at once?

...you may kiss your bride~

Caution: This post might be super emotional and sad. 


I love weddings. Even outdoor weddings in the heat and humidity. I had the honor of being my best friend's personal attendant in her wedding on Sunday. I pretty much was in charge of whatever she wanted, whatever errands her and her mother asked of me, and taking care of her daughter- who is also my godchild. It was amazing. I am sore today but it was worth it completely. It was a beautiful wedding. My best friend got to marry her best friend... there was friends and family and cake and dancing.

But it kinda makes me sad.  Every time I go to a wedding, I end up crying. Partly cause it's just so darn cute. When they say their vows?! It's so super cute. They are standing up in front of all their friends, family, pastor and God and declaring that they love this person so much, they are going to vow to be with them for the rest of their breathing days. They are going to be with each other through sickness and health. And no matter what happens, they will still love each other. And that first dance... It's pretty much the first minutes they have alone as a married couple. I have always wondered what secret words they say to each other, as they are finally away from hearing ears. Are they whispering about how amazing they look? How happy they are that they are finally promised to each other forever? That "mine" is legally true? Or are they whispering about how they wish this was all over? Or did you see Aunt Jo drop her roll? Le sigh.

Partly because I feel like maybe it won't ever be my turn. That I will never find a man that wants to spend the rest of his life with me. That I won't find a man that I want to spend the rest of my life with. That I am bound to be an crazy cat lady. Cause you know if I end up being an old maid... I am going to be a crazy cat lady.

Ok. I am done being sorry for myself.


Ash-a-ley and Devin. If either of you are reading this: I love you both. Mostly cause I love Ash and she loves Dev so I suppose I should be nice to him :P Congrats on your marriage and I wish you many many happy years together <3 <3 <3

I fell in love today...

My heart slowed to a near stop. I felt my breath leave my body... and I couldn't breathe back in. Everything seemed like it was in slow motion. I could see myself in the future... still in love... It was like nothing I have ever felt before...

These are the feelings I felt when I walked into the apartment that I hope to rent. It is amazing. It's teensy. Like, itty bitty tiny. BUT. It has 18 FOOT CEILINGS. No joke. SO even though it's itsy bitsy, it doesn't feel that way . Which is super nice. I really want this place so much. I know that it would be so good for me to have. It's so small that I will have to live a minimalist lifestyle. Which is necessary sometimes. Especially for someone who is a massive packrat like me. I have enough clothes to clothe an entire homeless camp. And enough stuff to... well I just have a lot of stuff. So getting rid of a lot of it will be great for me. I need to depend less on stuff anyways. I have a bunch of books I am sure some library would love to have. I think I am going to give away/sell most my stuff and books and stuff. I think then I am just going to buy myself a Kindle or a Nook or something so that I will have that instead of a bunch of books lying around that I have read once and will probably read again at some point but not anytime soon. I will probably write down all the books I have. Obviously I am going to keep some of the books that I have. 

Anyways. Prayers would be nice. Work keeps cutting my hours... I applied for unemployment for the hours that they are not giving me... but I need 395x's two by July 9th. I need 200 dollars ASAP to lock in my apt. Of course, I know that if it's God's will it will happen.. I try not to worry but sometimes I can't help it.

In other news. I am going to be rocking a side pony for a while. I think it's adorable and I love it. I happen to not care if everyone thinks its out  of style and weird. I love it and the way it looks. So. If you see me... I will probably have my hair up in such a style. Lol.

Love you all! 

Things That Make Me Happy

I think that I am just going to have a random post of random things that make me happy. Just cause.

• "So you better be coming to the festivities tomorrow or there might be issues."- My cousin Tonya in regards to family dinner tomorrow
• Vinyl records. They just sound better.
• Jack's Mannequin, Owl City, Justin Bieber, Leeland, Underoath, Attack! Attack!, Taylor Swift, Hawk Nelson, MXPX, Lady Danville, Hillsong, Brandon Heath, Tenth Avenue North, Deadmau5, NuTone, Natalie Williams, Jenna G, London Elektricity,
• JESUS!
• My Bible study. My church in general really
• Owls
• Purple
• Hebrews 11
• Ninjas
• BANANAS
• Family.
• Friends
• Nerd Fitness (Steve Kamb)
• Working out
• Paleo
• Blog of Impossible Things (Joel Runyon)
• Timothy Ferriss, Dan Brown, Jodi Picoult, Karen Kingsbury, Ted Dekker, JK Rowling, Brian Jacques, JRR Tolkien
• Angry Birds
• Minecraft
• Twinkies
• Portal 
• Blogging

Obviously I have other things too. And I will probably edit and add to this list often.


I know this seems like a cheat post. I have a lot going on though and will do an actual update post soon! 
Love ya'll! 

Regrets and Stuff

I guess this post is an apology of sorts. Sort of to myself. Sort of to my Father. Sort of to the man that will be my future husband. Sort of to my sisters. Sort of to the people in my life that I feel like I am supposed to be witnessing to... yet failing. This post is going to be my heart right now. Which means this post is going to be a jumble of things that may or may not make sense. I am not even sure where to start. Ok. Maybe I should make a list of things that I want to talk about in this post. First... Well. I messed up. A couple of times the last week or so.  Second... Music. It speaks to me. It goes right to my heart. Which kind of makes me want to talk about what we feed into our hearts and stuff. Third: Ruth. It's what I am reading about this summer. But... although it really is helping me... it's hard. I shall get into that later. Dumb heart. Fourth.. I am not going to do Mission to the City. COMPLETELY RANDOM BUT NOT REALLY I GET SO EASILY DISTRACTED >.< that is all. 


FIRST: Ugh. Might as well get my mistakes out of the way right? 
So. I have had some struggles with what my heart wants right now. I want to follow God and give him my all. But I am having some trouble letting go of some of my things that I did when I was part of the world. Like my drinking. I always think... oh I can have just one drink. I can go and not drink. FAIL! I can't. I had a few drinks with a friend the other night. And I couldn't help but think about how unsatisfying the alcohol was. Also. I feel like I am afraid to be who I want to be? Does that make sense? I feel like when I am at work I have to be a certain person. I don't know its hard to explain. Like when they ask me out to drink.. Like I am supposed to say yes. Like its ok if I am a "churchy" girl as long as they know I still have "fun". AND I HATE IT. I hate that I don't have the courage to follow Christ all the way. I hate it... and I am always praying for God to forgive me cause I hate that I shut Him away and won't let him shine in me all the time. I don't even know if I am making any sense. fhasdjhfaljdhfliuawhfbzsdhlfhalrsgf

Second: MUSIC. I love music. I love everything about it. I hate it at the same time.
Ok. Now let me explain. I love music I almost always have music playing. Whether its in the background or its in my ears... like in headphones. I listen to quite the variety of different kinds of music. Secular. Christian. And when I listen to music... it really changes my mood. It helps me feel better when I am sad... It intensifies my sadness. It reminds me how much my Creator is in love with me. And part of that... well it reminds me how much what I listen to and what I watch and who I hang out with affects how I think and feel. Which both amazes me and scares me at the same time.

Third: I am going through a study of RUTH this summer. 
I am using the book "Lady in Waiting" as a basis for my study. It's pretty much a book about how to be single. How to enjoy your singleness and be God;s best while single. It's about how to base your life after Ruth's. To become a Lady of Reckless Abandonment, Diligence, Faith, Virtue, Devotion, Purity, Security, Contentment, Conviction and Patience. And it is an amazing study. I love it. But it's hard for me and my heart sometimes. I wonder if I am going through all this to be a better person or to marry a great person. Will I ever  marry a good, Godly man? Do I deserve to marry a good, Godly man? It's so easy for me to convince myself that I can just settle cause I am not good enough. Which I know is not true. I am fearfully and wonderfully made despite what I try to tell myself sometimes. People have been coming up to me and telling me how encouraged by me they are and all I can think is... WHAT? WHY? I have messed up so much. Don't look at me for encouragement. I will just lead you astray. And then I realize that I am not supposed to "lead" them. I am supposed to show them Jesus and have him. So much easier said than done though.

Fourth: Mission to the City. 
I decided not to do it this year. Part of it is me not thinking that I am good enough. I am so messed up... what in the world makes me think I should be witnessing to people. Which may not be the case. I feel so broken though... So how am I supposed to help people become whole? How am I supposed to help people figure out things when I am so confused on my own? I feel like maybe I should focus on my own relationship with Christ first before I try to bring others in? Maybe? Not to mention I just paid over 100 bucks to fix the AC in my car so I am completely broke. Like totally.


I think thats about everything.. Maybe. It is me though so as soon as I post this I am probably going to come up with something else that I could have said. Or something.

Burn For You....

Well. It's Sunday. Which means I am at the Cup of Kryptonite again. Sipping at some coffee and using up all their wifi lol. I had a great weekend. Went to celebrAsian (Asian Heritage Festival) and ate lots. Watched some sweet dancers and martial arts demos. It was a good time. I of course went to hang out and church this weekend as well. I really don't know what I would do without the amazing support of my church. They really are amazing.

One of the songs that the DTC Praise band played was "Burn For You" by Steele Crosswhite. This song has a lot of meaning for me. The lyrics are powerful..But it kind of reminds oif a time before everything fell apart. When I first prayed this to my Savior. And I don't really know... maybe I wasn't ready for the commitment that He was asking from me? So... they played that last night... and as I was singing... I was asking myself... is this what I want? I know it's what He wants from me. I know it's what He is waiting for me to ask... and mean it. I am so stubborn sometimes though... Part of me doesn't want to give Him my dreams... my heart. I want to hold onto it... But then I see the line "The offered lives of the weakest ones are known to change the world" I definitely feel like one of those weakest ones. I feel so weak. I feel like I don't have to strength to do what my Creator has asked of me to do. I am still so absorbed in my ways. I am struggling so much with giving my life up. I WANT TO! I really do. It's just so difficult.

Something hard for me... well. Today... Geek and I are supposed to sit down and talk. Hopefully at the end of it, we can still be friends. If not, I am going to have to have the strength to walk away. To leave. To give my heart to the one person right now that I KNOW won't break it.. My Father. But I am so afraid I won't be able to... I thought Geek was it. The man that God put into my life for me. And now, most of me, knows that he isn't. But there is still those lingering feelings.

BUT! I also know the kind of man I want to marry someday. I want to marry a man like the brothers I have in my amazing Bible Study. I want a man I don't have to force to go to church with me. Someone that goes to God to get the key to my heart. And as amazing as Geek is... he isn't that...

I need to love myself enough not to settle for less that what I know that my God wants for me. I need to love my God enough to trust Him. I need to love my sisters enough to lean on them, as they so often ask me to. I need to love the world enough... to die to myself so I can focus on showing them the love of Christ instead of a guy that is not the best for me.

(Here are the lyrics of that song I was talking about)
Burn For You:

Break my heart, take my dreams, they’re only in the way
Of what’s better than I ask or imagine
You’re my home, You’re my place, each and every word You say
Set me on fire, fire for You, fire for You

Set my heart on fire so that I can burn for You
Set my heart on fire, let them see me burn for You

A face like stone, a heart like wax and a passion for the dead
Unfailing love is what You’ve asked, You’ve imagined
The offered lives of the weakest ones are known to change the world
You set them on fire, fire for You, fire for You

-Steele Croswhite








Love in Christ.
Andrea

Comments.

OMG.
I fail at life.
HAHAHA!
It's actually funny.... but I just noticed that people have ACTUALLY COMMENTED ON MY BLOG POSTS >.<

I am sorry to anyone and everyone that has commented and I never noticed. Thanks for reading and for your support. Now that I know how to check if I have comments... I will for sure start commenting back and such.

Sorry and thanks!!!
<3

My Life = Craziness

Wow.

Where do I even begin?

Geek and I are done. Have been for about 3 weeks now. I don't know if the "us" factor is going to survive this one. Of course, I hope we will always be friends. But part of me feels like we gave it our all so many times... we just don't have anything else to give at this point. Maybe that will change but maybe not. I have so much to focus on in my life right now that I miss him... but I will be strong.

I am still doing the Paleo/workout thing. SHOCKING! I know. I am actually sticking to something for once in my life. I enjoy it. I have lost about 20 pounds as well. That's always exciting :P

I also passed my 90 days at work. And I am doing fairly well I believe. Haven't gotten my 90 day review but I haven't gotten fired yet either. Haha.

I am spending a lot more time with my church and God. I have found that He fills my heart with love and good things, where as I have been trying to fill it with things that are worldly and don't last. He has really been my Rock the last few weeks.

I started a list of impossible things and started a new blog that focuses more on my workouts/Paleo/not giving up.

Here it is: http://all-things-are-p0ssible.blogspot.com/

I encourage you to look at it once in awhile!

Love in Christ~
Andrea

FAIL! And Winning at the same time

So. I have given up on my writing everyday thing. Too much is happening right now. I am way too busy and I don't have a computer that can access the internet right. I am using Geek's and can every now and then but he usually is on it... therefore I can't be.

Anyways. Work is going good. Busy. I am not getting along with my current supervisor (The 5th one since I have started on Feb 3rd... Apparently they move people around ALLLL the time. Kind of frustrating). Other than that things are great. I am making lots of commission. I am good at telemarketing.

I started a new diet/workout plan today. It's called the Paleo diet. The workout is just something that is kicking my butt hardcore. Geek taught it to me. Oh, I do a cardio dance workout too. If you want to know more about it all just let me know. Or go to my thingist.com account. I have posts about it on there. Or I'll tweet it. Fine. There. Did. I liked it onto my Facebook page too.

Gee. What else.

MY FAMILY IS COMING TO IOWA! Yea, like my parents and little brother. They finally get to meet Geek. And I am so excited I could do a happy dance. I haven't seen them in about a year I think. Or so. Idk. lol. Either way I am so excited.

Hmmm.
Can't think of much else. I just feel like I am sooo busy.
A good kind of busy though.
<3

ahhhH!

EEEP!
I fail at life readers. I am so sorry. I am sick as a dog however. I have missed 3 days of work and have to miss one more before the doc will let me go back... it sucks!!! But what is a gal to do? I have a bad chest cold or something like that. I firmly believe that doctors dont really know what they are talking about. I am moving again on Saturday. That sucks but at least I will be somewhere that has heat... And more space. AND A CLOSET! I can't wait.
Thats about it for now.
Byes!
PS- I know I say this all the time BUT I will try to write more. There is so much I want to say... like how I am NOT obessed with Minecraft. Love it. And stuffs. Anyways. Super tired. BYE

alsjhdflasdjhf

sorry folks. I have been so super busy I can't even see straight. I am tired all the time and just stressed in general. Please forgive me. I will give an update shortly I promise.


I was so tired I even posted this post in the wrong blog at first. Eep.

PACKERS WIN IT!!!

AHH!
I know that I have failed at blogging for awhile. I am sorry. I have been super busy. I GOT A JOB! Yup. I started training last week and I finish training on Tues. Then I get to work Wed. I work at 7:30 AM. That is going to fail hardcore. But oh well. I am just super glad that I finally have a job. It's a full time telemarketing job that kind of will suck but you know. Its a job and I am grateful for it and I will try my hardest to do my bestest. It should be a good time. I think?


THE SUPER BOWL!!!
Yay! The Packers won. I could not be more thrilled. I have a deep love for the Packers haha. It all started with Frank Zombo lol. And my old roomie. I heart her. Geek and I went to hang out and watch the game at one of the guys from the Church's house. They had 4 TV's going with the game on. AND SO MUCH FOOD. It was awesome. 


OH. And Saturday night I had a girl's night. It was fun. We watched RENT and drank some cosmos and went out and danced. It was a good time. I needed a fun night out with some girl friends. I don't have a lot of them. Makes me kind of sad. 


ANYWAYS!
I must be up early for work so I gotsa go. Toodles. 


PS. I will try to write more. I promise.

Busy Bee

I feels like I has been a really busy bee ever since Friday at about 1 lol. It's been a fun relaxing weekend though. Which is nice. Back to epic job searching tomorrow, before and after my interview. I have been applying to some jobs this weekend of course. But yea. I feel like my fulltime job is looking for a full time job. *sigh* I can't wait to find a job. I am so tired of stressing out about it. I am bored all the time too which fails awfully. And I am officially broke. No monies for me. Fail. I don't know what I am going to do about not having gas to get to interviews and stuff. UGH!

Anyways. Gtg.

Toodles.

akljdhfiagefblajdshfaoiehf

My mind is so full and I feel so overwhelmed right now. And I am not sure what to do about it. I hate having everything that I feel or believe questioned. And not being able to talk to the one person I want to talk to most about it. It just leaves me thinking... which can end up to be disastrous. I think too much. And being just left alone with my thoughts can be the worst thing ever for me. I think too much. I know this. but I can't stop thinking you know? ugh.

giving up

I give up. I give up on trying to be happy and bubbly and giggly all the time. I am trying my hardest and my best and its not good enough. I apply for so many jobs. I go to every interview. I AM DOING EVERYTHING THAT I CAN! And it's just not good enough. Its not. Its not good enough for anyone. Why can't one person be like, I am so proud of you for trying so hard? Why must everyone just tell me how much I am doing wrong. Why  do all my friends.family ditch me cause I am not myself? Why is it that I have to be "good enough" for you to want to be friends with me? Why do I always have to make all the right decisions? I am sick of it. Guess what. I am not perfect. I am not happy all the time. Somtimes my smile is fake. Sometimes I have to try hard to laugh. But I try. I swear. I am trying my hardest to be the best person that I can be. And you still don't want to be my friend, if you still don't think I am good enough... Go Fuck yourself. I don't need you in my life.

quick. I gotta write before it turns midnight. Which gives me like 20 minutes lol.

I am so glad that I am not pregnant.
Random I know. But goodness. I can't imagine the stress of trying to balance a relationship with an unwanted pregnancy. Ew.

Anyways. I am watching Secret Life of the American Teenager. And it's an awesome show but I am super glad that I am not living that life. UGH.

I have another interview tomorrow. For Brodkey's jewelry. Which should be fun... and hopefully it will be full time. I also have to call Marketlink Inc. Telemarketing. Which I would almost prefer.  I don't know that it would be a good thing for me to look at diamonds... sparkly diamonds. And helping people pick out engagement rings. And seeing people being epically in love buying jewelry.

I am going to stop now.
Night.

ugh!

I am failing at this whole writing everyday thing as of late. I don't feel busy but I guess that I am busier than I thought I was. Whoops. My room is organized. Not unpacked. But organized. I am not feeling the best. I feel better than I did this morning. I kinda slept all day and just woke up every hour or two to check jobs on craigslist. Tomorrow I am going out and about to fill out apps and such. And I gotta go back to the Hell House to clean the bathroom that I hardly ever used. Ugh. Oh well. I need my deposit back so thats that. Hmmm. What else, what else? That's about it. I have been boring lately. Such is the life of a poor unemployed girl.

From The Inside Out...

I am sorry my dear readers. However few they maybe. Today has been so crazy busy. Today being Saturday still in my mind. Anyways, in a random turn of events I decided to go to the Saturday night church that I used to go to all the time. About 3 and a half years ago... I attended this church regularly. Like I went to the Saturday night church, I went to the Sunday morning church, I helped out when they were building the new part of the church, I helped clean up after service sometimes, I volunteered for VBS that year, I was hardcore. BUT. At the same time... I was a little party animal. I went out and drank. And someone told me that I wasn't a Christian and if I died that night I was going to hell. Well. I did not take kindly to those words and I left the church. I went crazy. Got in a lot of trouble. Then I came back to that church. As an outsider looking into the church, I saw a lot of things I did not notice my first time around. I felt left out... But I knew some of these people. I had hung out with them at least twice a week for over a year. But I just felt like I was missing out on something. Then stuff happened and I stopped going again. I would randomly stop by every 6 months or so. Everytime the church got bigger. Everytime it felt like less and less people would say hi to me. But the PRAISE BAND! UGH! So amazing. By far my favorite ever. And the few people that do say hi to me, are they people I knew 3 years ago..... Anyways. So Geek and I went to a few services. He enjoyed it. I think that he enjoyed the hangout after more. He enjoyed sitting around and talking with them. Discussions. But as soon as they found out that he and I were actually "dating" then they stopped talking to us. Or that is what it felt like to me.

See. There are a few... well... issues... I feel like this church has. And I don't mean this in a judgemental  "I can't believe you are not a perfect church" kind of way. Just some observations/opinions if you will. Anyways. One of them... Is that it feels like if you don't do things their way, you are not a Christian... Let alone a member of this church. Also. It feels like this church is very inclusive. If you are not a very active, involved attender of this church... well then you are not really welcome at this church. I also feel that this church has a lot of cliques. Everyone says hi to everyone... and when it comes down to nitty gritty... anyone in that church would pray for you... but if you need someone to talk to, well you better stay within your clique of people. Wait? You don't have a clique? Good luck fitting in.... Not to mention I don't always agree with what is preached.

Ok, that being said. There is a lot of nice things that I like about this church. As previously stated, their praise band is amazing. I feel most like I am worshiping God, and I feel him around me most when I am praising him at this church. There are some really good people at this church. I also really enjoy that most the people that go to this church are my aged. They always have good snacks :P They are a very active church. They have a lot going on, and I really enjoy that. They are big on prayer. I love a church that prays a bunch.

Honestly, I don't know why I keep going back to that church... But I feel like for some reason I just can't stay away for more than 6 months. After that I just start feeling run down. It's like a weird need. I don't know. I plan on going to my Aunt's church to try that out. Maybe I will love it there. Maybe all I really need is a church that I go to more than once ever 6 months...

Cause I am a Christian. I love my Jesus, and I could never begin to thank Him for what He did for me. I love God. I would not be alive if it were not for God. I would not be as safe if not for Him. He has ALWAYS been there for me. He has never abandoned me. He has helped me out in so many ways that sometimes I feel like I don't even notice. SO! I am definitely a Christian in love with my Creator. Even if I don't act it all the time. Maybe I just need MORE Jesus in my life.

Just some thoughts. And stuff. I don't know. It's been a long day.

Night ya'll

catch up vs ketchup

AHHH!
Sorry dear readers. I have been so crazy busy that I have not been able to blog for a couple days. Oh the chaos that is moving. I have done nothing but apply for jobs and pack it feels like. BUT! I am all moved in. I am not unpacked yet... but moved in is the first step. Thanks to my Aunt and Uncle and Geek who came and helped me out. I am glad that it got all done last night. Now I have all weekend to focus on getting stuff unpacked and organized and such and such. I am pretty pumped about my new space. It's one big open space so I am looking forward to putting a futon and a coffee table and stuff in eventually. I have a whole big list of things I want/need for my new place. I will definitely be keeping an eye out on craigslist for stuff. I also am trying to sell my Palm Pre so I can put some gas in my car. Yea life fails sometimes. But what can you do? I gotta move all my pictures and music from it before I sell it though.

SO I live in the basement of this house with 3 cats. I love them. Only 2 like me though. One cat hasn't given me the time of day yet. Of course I only moved in last night so that's ok. Maybe she will warm up to me. The other two love me and my bed. They are often just curled up on my bed by my feet. I feel sorry for Geek if he comes over... They have taken over his side of the bed.

I still think of it as "my side" and "his side". Is that weird? I mean I recognize that we are just friends and not dating, but its like I also feel that I am not "single"... Maybe cause I still have feelings for Geek and I feel like if I even flirt with other people that I am cheating on Geek. I AM SOOOO WEIRD >.< Lol

So my car is pretty much out of gas. And I am pretty much out of money. SO. I don't know how that is going to work out. I am sure something will. It usually does. The Big Man Upstairs hasn't given up on me yet.

Alright. Well I suppose I should get to unpacking and such. I will post another post sometime today to make up for the lack of posts lately.

Toodles.

wasgoingon??

My mind is kind of weird. Right now.
Maybe I am just stressed out with packing, lack of job etc.

One of the good things right now is that I got a new phone. It is super fun.

Too bad its going to get turned off in a couple of days. Fail on me. I am not going to be able to get a job if they turn off my phone. Ugh,

Oh well. I am not sure what to do at this point.

Lol.

Good Night All.

I'm About To Break...

Seriously?

When are things going to get better for me? I am sick of feeling like I am not good enough. Not good enough to keep the best boy I have ever met let only dated. Not good enough to keep a job. Not good enough to get a job. Not good enough to make friends. Not good enough for anything. This isn't a woe is me post. This is a I HATE MY SELF post. Cause I have ruined everything. I have lost everything that I have ever wanted. I had a good job, I had a wonderful boyfriend and a best friend. And now it just feels lie I am losing every thing.
And I am trying to change. I really am working on it. But getting told no. Being told that I am not good enough all the time is seriously making it super difficult. Being told that I didn't get a job cause someone better interviewed for it. Being told that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me cause I don't do enough with my life. Being told that I hurt a friend's feelings on accident just cause I thought I was doing the responsible right thing.

I just want something to go right in my life, I want my life to go back to being that happy girl that it was always smiling all the time. And wasn't crying everyday. And had friends. And a wonderful boyfriend. And a good job.

I had it all and I ruined it. And now I am miserable and its all my fault.
And I won't ever had the chance to fix it all. I have lost.
Right now what sucks the most is that I don't have anyone to talk to about it.
I don't have anyone that wants to give me a hug and tell me its going to be ok.
I had the person... and now he barely wants to talk to me.
Cause I took it all for granted.

And now its all gone...
like yesterday is gone...
and like today will be gone...
its all gone...

crazy is my middle name

I am exhuasted.
It has been a hell of a weekend.
Had fun in Am-mes.
Had an absolute BLAST at my first Quietdrive show.
And today was fun. I got a fun dj/guitar 101 lesson.

I am ready for bed and some sleep.
I have an early day tomorrow.

With A Little Help From My Friends

Someone once told me that you are the sum of your 5 closest friends. Made me wonder about who my closest friends are. Also made me realize that I think I need new closest friends. No offense to the friends that I have... but I need to surround myself with people that I know are professional and stable. I need to surround myself with friends that have careers(or at least are working on it) and are living on their own and have goals and such. I need to be surrounded by friends that are going to help me become a better person instead of bringing me down or distracting me from MY goals. I have the disadvantage of not going to college and not growing up around here. I also don't have a career yet, so I can't just hang out with my co-workers either. And making friends usually takes some money. Which I don't have. I am not saying I don't want to hang out with the friends I have now. I still do. I wouldn't be where I am now without the friends that I have now. But I want to be around people that have their lives together. Mature people. Not people that go out all the time. Or drink almost every night. Or people that never socialize. Cause I am kind of over it all. I went out last night to Ames and it was fun... I met some new people. I drank a lot of beer. I danced a little. But it just kind of emphasized that I am over that whole I am going to start at one bar and then go to all these different bars sort of thing. I am more of the kind of person that picks one bar and stays there with a group of friends. No bar hopping or clubs for me. On the rare occasion I'll do it with friends for a special occasion but thats about it. But yea. I need new friends. Adding that to my list of things I want to change this year. Make new, professional friends. 

On another note. Pumped about going to see Quietdrive tonight :P

heartbreak warfare

Well. The thing I wanted most not to happen, happened.
Sorry the post is the next day but I really was in no condition to blog yesterday.  I had to go over to Geek's place yesterday to get my stuff. And we got to talk which was better than what I feared was going to happen when I went over there. As far as break ups go... this one wasn't as bad as the rest. Sure he broke my heart by pretty much telling me he doesn't have feelings for me anymore, that nothing is there anymore. And if he meets another girl... well whatever happens happens. But that was the worst of it. The rest of the conversation went really well,I think. We agreed that in time we can be friends. And that we can still talk. And maybe when I get my crap together things will change. Maybe this isn't forever.
I don't blame him for breaking up with me. I really don't. I just hope its not forever. But I do have a lot of crap that I need to do in my own life. Get a job. Focus on it. Stuff like that.

So I went to Ames last night to hang out with my best friend Joe. I had a super good time. I maybe drank too much beer but eh. Life goes on. Anyways. Gotta go get ready to head back to Ankeny. Just wanted to let everyone know whats up.

Pizza and more laundry

It's an early post today. I am still working on my laundry. SO MUCH LAUNDRY. Ugh. I am looking forward to moving and getting stuff organized though. But that means that finding the motivation to put everything away now is definitely not there lol. I also probably have too much clothes too. I do have a lot that I have not worn in a long time. Of course it is winter so I am wearing sweaters and hoodies more often.

I am super tired today. I think I am in a carb coma. Mal got this delicious chicken bacon ranch stuffed pizza and I ate some. And some Cinnamon Wheel. As amazing it was... I think it made me tired. I don't now that for a fact lol. Oh. If it seems that I am missing a "k" somewhere. That ey is broen and its too hard to mae it work. I have to  do it a lot for my resume sending but I just don't really care when it's everything else.

Tomorrow should be interesting. I have another interview. And I will hopefully get to talk to Geek. I have a lot I want to show him. A lot I want to tell him. And I just want to see him. I miss him.

So. Tired. I might get to sleep early tonight.
Wish me luck on my interview tomorrow.
Till tomorrow, readers.

BINGO and LAUNDRY

That's a lot of what today has been about. I have done like 4 loads of laundry and I still have 3 more plus my sheets. I gotta do those tomorrow. I really need to just do my laundry as soon as one hamper gets full. Once I move that will be easier cause I don't have to walk all the way downstairs. Plus I will be more disciplined about where I put my stuff and about putting things where they go right away. Cause I hate laundry and I would much rather do one load than 7. Ew.

I also found BINGO on Facebook and I love BINGO. I go broke during the Guthrie County Fair playing BINGO. I always win at least one game though. Makes me happy.

I also had a conversation with someone today. Made me think. I had told Geek that I would leave him alone till Friday yesterday. And I confess I sent him one email today. I missed him horrible though. Anyways... I wonder if he expects me to email him asap Friday morning. What if I don't email him till the last minute of his work day? Is he going to care? Does he really care if I come over Friday? Does he not want me to? What if I don't email him till Saturday morning? Is he going to be sad? Is he going to miss me? Or will he not care? If I don't email him... will he email me? He knows I want to come over at 7. So what if I don't email him... and wait for him to tell me if I can come over or  not? I wonder... I haven't decided what I should do yet. I want to go over there so bad and tell him  all the wonderful things I have already been doing and plan to do. I want to get a hug. I want us to talk about us and maybe come up with a solution that involves us still dating, but maybe just tone it down a bit. I want to change, but I want to still be his girlfriend while I do it. But I don't know. I haven't decided how I am going to handle Friday yet. I hope I can go over there. He knows I want to . Maybe I will wait and see what he does. Maybe I will ask him and hope that he says yes. I don't know. My friends think that I should make him miss me but I am kind of thinking that it will hurt me more than him. Plus, does two wrongs make a right anyways? I don't know. I am all muddled.

Anyways. I am super excited about my interview Friday. It's for a Premier Health Club(aka gym) in Waukee. That means that I get a free membership. Which I super need. I hope that I get it. It's a 40 hour week job too with a good base pay and commission from the sound of it. So. I get one interview this Friday with the one lady and if I get past that then I get sent over to the main hiring manager. I am hopeful. I could use a good solid job I could do for awhile. And there is room for growth here too. Of course I am still looking and still crossing my fingers for that Sprint job. I don't know which one I would like better though.

Anyways. I obviously will keep you updated as things go on :P
Till tomorrow readers.

Dear Readers,
   This post is going to be a turning point if there ever was one. I knew that I had already had my "Harajuku Moment" (which if I haven't defined in my blogposts then you should check out my post about it here http://thingist.com/t/item/2030/ And while you are at it, open up a thingist account. It's a super fun way to social network) but I haven't had anything like this.

Ok, so I had a job interview today (today being the 11th.. the writing was a little delayed tonight) at the Sprint in Valley West Mall. The weather was awful as awful can be. But I need a job so super bad that I decided to go ahead and just leave an hour and some change more early as opposed to the 30 min I would have if the weather was good. So I am driving cautiously along the interstate... going about 45 as was about everyone else on interstate. Some people with 4 wheel drive were driving faster than that. As is expected however. Anyways. I am about 3/4 the way to the mall when the car in front of me stops. So I try to stop. My tires are still, but I am sliding. Bad. So I let go of my brake. Then I start to fishtail which turns into my car spinning, I was in the middle lane but by the time I was done spinning my car ended up in the left emergency lane looking at the median. I took a deep breath and thanked God for protecting me. Then I looked to my left. And I saw this all happening in slow motion. I saw that the car behind me had managed to slow down. But the car behind  it was a giant GMC SUV, who had the exact problem that I did. He fishtailed and spun out... spinning RIGHT AT ME. I was terrified. There was nothing that I could do. I just sat there at watched this giant SUV head straight for my tiny Neon. And my life flashed before my eyes... and in those few seconds I realized these things:

1) I have not been LIVING my life. I have been settling. Just scooching by. Doing enough to live day to day. But not really trying to LIVE and make my life better.

2) That I have been taking a lot for granted. I have family near me that are there to support me. Even if it is just a phone call or a prayer. And I just take it all for granted. I expect them to be there. I don't ever go there to just hang out. I am always hoping for a free meal or something. I never call anyone just to see how they are doing. I always call cause I need help or I need a prayer. Or need someone to talk to.

3) I love my Geek. That was the biggest thing that flashed before my eyes. So many of our good times. Things that I wished that I had said. Things I wish I had done before. And all the sudden I realized that it might literally be too late to do any of those things. If I died right then and there then I could never apologize for not saying thank you to him enough just for being him, for not respecting his geekiness enough. And I wish I could tell him how much I care about him. Not just as a wonderful boyfriend. But as a best friend. He has taught me so much. Or at least he tried. I didn't always LISTEN as much as I should have. I stored everything into my mind but I didn't always put it into my "This is useful information you should apply to your life" box. Until I realized that I needed that information after I already needed it.

4) I don't love myself enough. Not in a vain way. In a "I need to actually like who I am. I need to be a person taht I am proud of". How can I expect Geek or anyone else to love me if I can't stand who I am? And if I don't like who I am then I need to not just sit around eating a tub of ice cream and complain about it. I need to DO SOMETHING about it. Someone once told me something along the lines of If you have enough time to bitch about something, you are not spending enough time fixing it. And it's true. I hate that I can't save money. But I don't do anything about it at all. It fails so much. I hate it.

Yes all these crossed my mind in the few seconds as this giant SUV was headed at me. By some serious miracle, the car stopped about a few feet from me. I swore that I could roll down my window and reach out and touch his car. Instead I sat there and took a few deep breathes and thanked my Heavenly Father. I also sat there and made a vow that I would take these "visions" as a blessing. A gift in disguise.

I made it to my interview. And I think that I did alright. It was hard to tell however. I should be able to know by the end of the week if I got the job. Of course I can't stop looking for jobs. And good gracious, I need to keep this job.

Anyways. Those are my crazy thoughts.
I hope that its not too late to turn my life around. I hope that I haven't lost Geek. I hope that there is some way to show my family and friends how thankful I am for them.
Cause changes are already happening. And they are going to continue to happen
Nothing like a near death experience to realize that you need to better your life.

Who I Am Hates Who I've Been

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CWpY6Vr4Si0

Ok, so this year I have a lot of things that I want to accomplish. A lot of things that I want to do. And I had these goals before New Years really started.. But today I guess I just realized how important those goals are. They are not just goals now. They are life changes that I needed to make at least a year ago and I never did. I just waited and waited and waited. I kept making excuses about why I had to wait. Or why I could wait. It wasn't till today that I really really realized that these things are way past overdue. 


And what's really sad is that the hints have been dropped. Geek has been subtly trying to help me, I just didn't pick up on it. I am not very observant. But I think now he is just tired. I think he is tired for me. I have finally gotten to the point that (like I said in a previous post) I feel like everyone is leaving me in the dust and moving forward. I think he just cares about me so much and he hates that I don't TRY hard enough. He hates that I never have money cause he knows that I hate it, but he hates even more that I don't really do that much about it. He hates that I keep switching jobs cause he knows that I just want a job I can stick with for a long time, but he hates even more that I don't work as hard as I could at my job when I do have it. Sure some of my jobs really didn't have a hundred percent to do with me but I would be lying if I said I tried my hardest. I didn't. I milked my mono. I don't have good sleeping habits or time management so I never wanted to wake up in the morning. I still don't but that is something that I am working on.


Things take time though. Which I am afraid that I ran out of with Geek. I am afraid that all I can do is prove to him that I can make my life better. That I can improve things. That I can change the things in my life that need changing... I just hope he will let me be his girlfriend still as I change... I could use his help and support. His hugs are magic. They make the stress of the world melt away. I hope that he knows that I love him. And I appreciate him waking me up a little. I just hope he chooses the path with me in his Choose Your Adventure book. That he gives me a chance to still be with him as I prove to myself, to him, to the world that I can be a better person. 


Before you give me the "Don't change for anyone" speech, know this: I am doing this for me. No one wants my life to be better more than me. I want my life to be better. I want to be healthier. I want to be more organized. I want to keep a job. I want these things. He just loves me enough he wants me to do those things too.


Who I Am Hates Who I've Been.
I watched the proverbial sunrise
Coming up over the Pacific and
You might think I'm losing my mind,
But I will shy away from the specifics...


'cause I don't want you to know where I am
'cause then you'll see my heart
In the saddest state it's ever been.

This is no place to try and live my life.

[Pre-Chorus]
Stop right there. That's exactly where I lost it.
See that line. Well I never should have crossed it.
Stop right there. Well I never should have said
That it's the very moment that
I wish that I could take back.

[Chorus]
I'm sorry for the person I became.
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
'cause who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been.

I talk to absolutely no one.
Couldn't keep to myself enough.
And the things bottled inside have finally begun
To create so much pressure that I'll soon blow up.

I heard the reverberating footsteps
Synching up to the beating of my heart,
And I was positive that unless I got myself together,
I would watch me fall apart.

And I can't let that happen again
'cause then you'll see my heart
In the saddest state it's ever been.

This is no place to try and live my life.

[Pre-Chorus x2]
[Chorus]

Who I am hates who I've been
And who I am will take the second chance you gave me.
Who I am hates who I've been
'cause who I've been only ever made me...

So sorry for the person I became.
So sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
'cause who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been.


I completely feel like this is the song of my life right now.


Till Tomorrow.

MeMyselfandtheGreatJobSearch

Alright. So for those of you that don't know... I am looking for a job~ YAY~ Not. This time I am not being super selective like I was before. I can't afford it. And I kind of want to be able to do this Cutco thing part-time too which means thaaaaaaaaaaaaat.... I need another job that I know for sure is going to pay. At this point I need to figure out just a plain old retail job or telemarketer job that I am going to probably hate until I figure out wtf I want to do with my life and such.

Ok, so here's what got me about this hunt... I am calling up different stores around the Merle Hay area cause that's close to where I am going to be living. I am very much the kind of person that would rather walk into the store, fill out an application and be able to hand it into the manager myself. I HATE the stores that make you fill things out online. I have a personality that doesn't always come through via the internet. How is an online application going to be able to tell that I am outgoing, bubbly and have a great smile? How is an online application going to know that I am well-dressed and friendly.
UGH! So annoying.

I pretty much hate searching for jobs in general. Yea. Pretty much.

UGH.
And again-
UGH!

new years

You know what I JUST realized? I never wrote about how awesome my new years was.

Geek first surprised me with gorgeous purple flowers. Then we went ice skating and had a blast. Then we went home and played monopoly and drink wine all night. We had to set an alarm so we knew when it was midnight at which point we put on silly tiaras and did a super cute champagne toast. It was a super fun night!!!

I am trying to dwell more on the awesome times than on the rough ones. Every relationship has its rough times. But the good times are worth working through the rough ones. A relationship doesn't just break in an instant.

I just gotta be patient and back off a little.

He is a Geek after all :P

Ok.
Sleepy time now.

forgottenepiphany

Do you ever think of something super awesome right before you go to sleep and then wake up and forget what it was that you were thinking of? Yea totally happened to me. I completely had this great blog post idea and decided I was too tired to write it then, so I waited. But when I woke up the first thing I could think of was "Crap. I gotta move my car" And I can't remember what I was going to post about.

Anyways. I am being off twitter and facebook and thingist for a little while so that means I will probably post here more. Which is better anyways. Everyone that follows me or is friends with me can see what I post on the other sites. People have to make a conscious decision to read this. So I can put more feeling and effort into it. Which is wonderful for me.

Anyways, the last few days have been rough. And depending on when you catch me, I am either in tears or perfectly calm about the situation. It's one that I really have no control over which kind of drives me insane but what can I do? I guess this is my test in patience. I have none. Which is one of my flaws of course. I tend to over react to. I do have a flair for the dramatic...

anyways. It's early. I gotsa try to get some more sleep.

Later ya'lls.

I don't feel like writing,
sorry,

Teardrops on My Nose and Eyelashes

If snowflakes on my nose and eyelashes are one of my favorite things, then teardrops on my nose and eyelashes are a few of my least favorite things. I also hate the way tears leave those awful spots on my glasses.

The first thing you should know, is that I cry all the time. I cry a lot. It's part of how I release emotions. I throw stuffed animals, punch my bed, cry and hyperventilate. I take hurt very seriously. I get hurt very easily too. And its not just that I get hurt. I get heartbroken. If SOMEBODY says they might come over and then I don't hear from them for 9+ hours, I get heartbroken. I hate being ignored. I hate being left hanging.

And goodness sakes. I have had such a stressful week. All I wanted was a couple of chill nights with SOMEONE and not have to worry about anything for a weekend. Get a hug from that person. Cause I felt like I haven't gotten to hang out with them or spend quality time with them since New Years.

But instead I spend my Saturday night home alone and bawling. Story of my life.

Hopefully tomorrows entry will be more cheerful.

Chaos Is My Middle Name

Apparently so. Cause today was just filled with it. It started when I walked outside and saw that it was snowing... Never a good way to start the day. So I run out to start my car to get it warmed up before I have to go to work like ten minutes later wheeeeen, my car doesn't start. SO! I call my boss to let her know and I got fired. Lamesauce. I didn't really think the job was for me anyways. I am not preppy and I don't fit the mold of people that they had working there. THEN! I couldn't get a hold of anyone to talk to so I just felt freakin miserable. AND THEN! Teeny Bopper decided to harass Geek and I some more. Annoying. Pissed us both off beyond belief. So trying to figure all that out was adding even more stress to my day. And on top of all that I had a job interview.

Once my roomie came home and agreed to take me to my interview things got a lot better though. Geek and I made plans to hang out later. I went to my interview and got the job. UNFORTUNATELY... I don't know if it's something I want to do for sure. It's for Vecrtor Marketing that sells Cutco Knives. Which I like. And I get paid per appointment... BUT the problem is that I have to find my own appointments. Which scares me cause what if I can't make enough appointments? AND there is a 143 dollar security deposit which I can't afford. SO. I don't know what I can do. I am still going to look for jobs thats for sure.

So yea. Hanging out with Geek was awesome until he fell asleep at like 10:30 after I came all the way out here to see him. Only got to hang out for like a few hours before he zonked out. Like 2 and a half. And he has to go hang out with his rents tomorrow so I won't see him very much then. I am slightly disappointed but he has had a rough week so I don't blame him for being super tired.

Anyways. Till tomorrow folks.

I Walk A Lonely Road

Today hasn't been the best for me. Neither was yesterday. I have a feeling today won't end with as happy as an ending as that though. I have no clue why today is so bad. I guess part of it is that I feel really lonely... It kind of feels like I am being left behind by the rest of the world. Like I am standing still but everyone else is just taking off as fast as they can go and I am just getting covered in their dust and can't catch up with them and I am just being forgotten. It completely fails. It just seems like no one has time to talk to me. No one has time to even text me back anymore. They are all too busy living their life and their is no room in their life for someone like me. I know that sounds super selfish but its just kind of how I feel. And I did say you were reading this at your own risk.

This is sort of a test. i just want to see if this works. Apparently when my Bloggr is fail and down, I can email posts to my blog. Which is super exciting for someone who has email on their phone like me. SO when I want to randomly post something while i am just chilling somewheres then I can just email it to my blog. I am pumped aboot this concept. If it all works.

SO! Today was pretty much insanity. It started with a major headache when I woke up. Then I realized I probably wasn't going to be able to hang out with a friend that I haven't seen in forever. THEN I over reacted to something with the Geek which resulted in me crying. Which didn't help my headache. THEN Teeny Bopper decided to try and ruin my relationship again. Of course he failed. But it was pretty ridic. He decided that harassing me and my Geek wasn't enough and he tried to like spam us and put our numbers up everywhere. So I had to talk to his sister who is a friend of mine and get him to stop. Otherwise I might have to choke a bitch. Lol. 

My day got better after that though.

SO~ Wanna hear something that annoys me to no end? I can't sleep at night, and I can't wake up in the morning. I don't know why. I hate waking up before like 11... Maybe if I could manage to sleep at a good time at night than maybe I could wake up earlier. Which would be wonderful considering I work at 8:30 some mornings. FAIL on my part.. The tea Geek bought me works wonders for when I get to sleep but it does nothing for when I need to get to sleep. That's my biggest issue. Getting to sleep. Usually I am so tired when I finally fall asleep that I can stay asleep... It's just the falling asleep part that is such an issue. UGH! 

Anyways. Till tomorrow.

workingforthemoolahs

Work was interesting. It's pretty much a half hour of chaoticness followed by a half hour of intense boredom. I like it though. I discovered I absolutely love filing things and putting them all where they belong. It was fun for me for some crazy reason.

You know what I hate though? INSOMNIA. I can't wait till I get my first Hot Stone Massage. It's gonna hurt like a bitch cause I hate super hot showers so I don't know how I am going to handle the hot stones... but! It is supposed to help with my insomnia, stress and tension. SO. I am looking forward to that wonderful bonus to my new job.

I have not started anything as far as packing and moving goes. It is frustrating. I know I have to do like five loads of laundry before I actually get to pack. Cause like half my clothes are dirty. I hate laundry. I do have a day off tomorow though so lets hope that I get at least some of it done :P

whoops

We-ell. I haven't written everyday lol. My bad, I kind of forgot for a little and then things got so busy. I have to move. I move on Jan 22 and I am super excited about it. I am also starting a new job today. Interesting. I am super nervous.

I haven't been sleeping at all and that fails. I am so tired all the time. It fails soo much. I need energy to be a good little worker haha. Maybe I will sleep better after a massage. I CAN'T WAIT TO SCHEDULE MY FIRST FREE ONE. lol

Well I don't have much to say right now. I will write about my first day when I get back. Peace.